The last year has been a back seat for me. I've thought a lot about the year before. I've lost inhibition and I've stared feeling my feelings again. I am at war with myself regarding my would be career and I don't know what i want to do. For the next two months I have entrance exams for different places that I don't want to go to, but I'm taking them because I need to get out of here in order to find out what exactly i want to do. My career is something very important to me and my choices have been widely affected due to series of realizations in the last two years. And i will talk about that after two months now because as i said i'm taking exams on subjects like math and physics and stuff I used to be good at but lost interest and now suck at it .. and i have to clear some them to be able to get out of here .. to hopefully another place where i can find purpose in something....So the career thing, I'll talk about that later. i will , i promise .
The second thing that bothered me over the last many many years was people judging me for being the way that i am and in turn me not wanting to be like myself . I haven't reached a conclusion here and i don't think I've had closure enough to want to think about it right now ..but maybe i'll come back to talking about it someday, or maybe not .We'll see
The final thing/person i want to talk about has an access to my blog or atleast knows about it even though he might not have the time or interest in reading it. This friend of mine .... a friendship really gone bitter .. and i had posted here on thoughts with a different name obviously because he could read my blogs ..but today before the two month grind of hopefully moving out of here to be able to find a career for myself and create a life with people and friends .... I want to talk about that friend that was too friendly and then too cowardly ... i want to talk about this in hope that some of you will give me their thoughts on this ... and even considering that he might read this .. but i feel the need to address this before i think about any new venture in my life .. And also because I am not afraid of confrontation , I have never been. I've only stayed quiet at times not to hurt feelings but in turn I have been hurt. So here it goes :
( If you're reading this by any chance dude !)
I chose to become friends with this person who clearly told me in the beginning that he's a depressed guy and that I shouldn't hang out with him. Fair enough .. in retrospect ..I should have listened . But i chose to be my stubborn self and help him . No, I'm not trying to tell you look at how great i was .. but you can certainly applaud how stupid i was. This guy becomes a good friend of mine and it is evident to me that he is troubled by i don't know what ...and then we reach a point where we start behaving like a couple .. . That's ok .. taking things slowly .. not too bad .. (To you dude : When you say good night to somebody and ask "and???" after their reply expecting them to say "love you " ..... that might mean you're giving a hint .. just saying )
Suddenly this dude realizes something and wants to stop all communication without telling me the reason .. and i confront him with everything that i thought and everything that was true .. and this dude decides to tell me " Oh it never was .. I have never thought of you like that " and at that moment i actually believe him .. i think to myself maybe i've been misinterpretting EVERYTHING all along .. haha .. I can't believe now that i even considered this possibility.. but i did....
But what did i do when he said " It never was and there was this other girl and i haven't moved on and ...(all the baby talk i did meant nothing and thats how i talk to every girl and ...)... I said one word :"ok" ( If you remember dude i said ok and took it really well and even offered to be friends with you ... hmm second mistake )
So now I'm friends with this guy atleat from my side .. and i am honestly trying to be FRIENDS putting aside all the once upon a time so called misinterpretted romantic liking thing or whatever. I reply to messages normally and i even answer calls and talk about random things .... i am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt... and make amends but..... This dude decides to say things like "what if i say i can't live without you anymore" .. every once in a while ... and i try to pretend i heard nothing and somehow mange to drag the torn friendship for almost a year and then 3 months ago .. i realize this : ( dude read this )
I decided to be good to this guy inspite of all the unnecessary situations he landed me in .. and i want to tell him right infront of his ego .... he knows what it was and why it was ... so the theory of "it never was "is bullshit ... Thanks for giving that theory so that i could think about it and finally understand your cowardly efforts to cover up your sickly pleasure of timepass with someone else while you could forget the other girl that you couldn't move on from .So basically i don't feel terrible about being right and honest all along. Secondly, I do not need to remain friends with someone just to convince my ego that i don't care . Yes I don't care and I don't need to prove it to anyone . This dude did not even appreciate the friendship that i offered inspite of being upset about his behaviour/the series of events earlier... to strain the friendship to an extent that it did not give me happiness anymore ... and so i decided to let him and his negativity go ... without hurting him deleted his contacts ... and this is my way of a final confrontation whether he reads it or not ... I have analysed all the nuiances and all the situations that had been created .. and I know what the truth is and so does he . It is not in my nature to try to ruin a persons's mindset when he already hates life. So this is my confrontation wthout communication ... maybe he reads it and maybe not ...In any case I have two things to say to him aloud .. First , You chose to say certain things to cover up feelings that wronged you in some way inspite of knowing the truth ;which had the potential of hurting me but thats ok ..as long as i can remind you that you told your lies.. that to poorly. And second, don't hate life dude ! Its hard sometimes but learn to move on and ahead. I hope you find your way and some day gain the courage to stand up for people and the right thing .. sometimes ..Thats it . Good luck and be happy.
That was that .. and now begins my rough two months ... and more ..
Later i will talk about other things that i have realized ... until then i would appreciate some of your words to calm my nerves .. as i will need thoughts to help with my anxiety ...
Lastly i apologize for having been gone for long and thanks for being there to listen .